i already hear my dad disowning me
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Duck Duck Cougar?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
