have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
