Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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