Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
