so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
