On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
