had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
