I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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