Can i not drive my cunt home
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize