so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
