Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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