my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
