The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
