And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
