Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
