11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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