we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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