Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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