I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize