News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
