looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
