I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
