we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
