i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
