walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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