I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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