he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize