My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
