those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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