pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
