Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
