you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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