Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
