you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
