So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
