all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
