Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
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