in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
