my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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