A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
