The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
