He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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