the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
