I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
