She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
