Got a toothbrush?
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
