So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
