I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
