mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
you had me at cake vodka
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize