Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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