the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
