i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
