somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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