i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
