ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Randomize
