I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
