mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
