I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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