i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
