wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
